Begin with the proper intentions
Marriage is a serious matter and requires the right attitude. Be certain that your aim is to please God and have a successful, happy marriage and not something else.
You should not enter marriage as a diversion, a way to gain a visa, wealth or social standing or to hide from other issues in your life.
Remember That It Is Your Decision
In Islam a valid marriage requires the consent of both the man and the woman. Even if you have never been married before and
are relying upon a guardian (wali) or your parents to conduct your marriage search the decision of whom to marry ultimately is yours.
Your wali or father will not have to share his life with the man you choose, you will.
A woman being forced into a marriage she does not
want whether through social pressure or through violence is not acceptable in Islam. The Prophet (peace be upon him) was explicit in stating that
women should be married only through their consent and in at least one case annuled a marriage to which the woman had not consented (see hadiths Bukhari - Volume 7, Book 62, Number 67;
Volume 9, Book 85, Number 79; Volume 7, Book 62, Number 69; Volume 9, Book 86, Number 99).
If a guardian or family member is conducting your marriage search, it is still a good idea to involve yourself. Make sure that your wali or
family member knows what you are looking for in a husband and will ask the questions of prospective husbands, their families and friends that you want answered.
After all, they are acting on your behalf.
Look For Deeper Qualities and Values
Search for goodness in a potential spouse. Look for qualities such as honesty, intelligence, caring, reliability, pleasantness, good humor, compassion, generosity, forbearance, and patience. In other words, true character.
The Qur'an can help you define what to look for. As our guide, it is filled with references to the qualities that God values and that we should value.
Know Who You Are and What You Are Seeking
Give some thought to who you are as a person. What values are important to you? What aspects of your life are most important to you (work, religion, family, etc.)? Do you have a strong personality or are you on the quiet side?
Think about the kind of marriage and family you would, insha'Allah, like to have. What role would you take as a wife? What role would you expect of your husband?
You may find other aspects of a man attractive, but if you and he have different ideas about who should do most of the childcare and housework, whether you should work outside the home after you are married, etc. then perhaps he is not the match for you. Some matters, such as whether or not to have children can be deal-breakers. Other issues such as how you handle finances can be constant sources of friction for a couple, if not considered.
Be Realistic
It may be difficult to find everything you are looking for in one person, so prioritize and be flexible.
Find Out Who he Is
If you were buying a house you would discover as much as you could about the property before you bought it. Deciding to marry someone is an even more important decision than whether to make a real estate purchase, so shouldn't you make every effort to find out as much as possible about the woman you may marry?
Ask him questions - Formulate a list of important questions to ask him.
Interact with his family - You are marrying into a family as much as you are marrying an individual. It's important to know who they are and how they influence the man who may become your husband. Mother-in-laws can be very influential. Make sure that you find out about and meet with her. If possible, ask them about his home life and the way he was raised. Ask about his desires for his future.
Interact with his friends/co-workers - If possible, meet/speak with his friends and/or co-workers. The people someone spends time with often say a lot about that person.
Contact a community leader - If there is an imam, sheikh or other community leader who knows him you should speak with him about him and your interest in marrying.
Talk on the telephone - Move from e-mail correspondence, with someone who you think may be your match, to talking on the phone. You can get a fuller sense of someone from interacting this way - hearing his voice, noting the way in which he responds to you. But keep your intentions clear. Marriage is your goal, not flirtation or entertainment.
Visit with him - This is especially important if you do not live near one another. Seeing him "in action" and getting a sense of how you interact in real life is important. Spend as much time together as is possible and appropriate.
Even very simple observation can give you a sense of his nature; for example, the way he stands when conversing, how he maintains eye-contact, his clothes, where he spends his time, etc.
This is not dating - but a way to find out more about a person you think you want to marry. Stick to public places and/or use a chaperone if you feel this is appropriate.
Be open with him so that he can be open with you.
Find Out About His Understanding And Practice of Islam And Whether It Is Compatible With Your Own
Gain a clear understanding of his perspectives on Islam, how he currently lives Islam and how he intends to do so in future.
Talk about how you would both intend to impart Islam to any future children.
If you are considering a man who is a convert to Islam or who is a "born again Muslim" remember that his views
and practice may be in flux. His approach to Islam may shift several times as he integrates it into his life.
Such a situation may require extra patience and consideration on your part and good communication as a couple.
Conflict is often caused in such marriage when the husband attempts to impose his new (possibly shifting) understandings or practice of Islam all at once on his wife or when because of his own inexperience he cannot provide spiritual support
for her.
Marriage to someone who has converted can be wonderful as it can help you to renew (or if you are also a convert to strengthen) your own faith but you should think deeply about
whether you are willing to face these possibilities and talk with him thoroughly about your concerns before you consider such a marriage.
Find out whether this is a man with whom you can grow in Islam.
Would He Make A Good Father?
If you are interested in having children, ask yourself whether you would want him to be the father of your children. If he does not seem
as if he would make a good parent, doesn't like or shows no interest in children, if you marry him
you may find yourself struggling to parent alone.
Outward Piety Is Not Enough
The fact that everyone says that he is pious, he dresses the part, has a big beard, is always at the mosque,
and can recite the entire Qur'an flawlessly, does not necessarily guarantee that he will make the right husband for you.
These attributes are only part of a life in Islam. He may only be practicing the outward aspects of our religion and to
paraphrase the holy Qur'an - iman (true faith) may not have yet entered his heart.
You must look beyond the visual and try to ascertain his character. Look at his interactions with others. Does he
show mercy, compassion, patience, consideration and concern for others? What are his attitudes about and behavior towards women?
What is his temperment like? Is he quick to anger? How does he deal with conflicts? How does he handle misfortune and disappointment?
Is he responsible? Can he be trusted with other people's counsel and possessions?
Understand Each Other's Expectations
In business it is a good idea to set the correct expectations, the same is true of marriage.
Find out about his understanding of marriage and roles within it. Learn about his expectations of a wife.
Cover such issues as birth control, how many children you both would like and when you would like to start your family.
Talk about who will do housework, how you both expect children to be raised, your responsibilities to your respective families (for example,
towards elderly parents or your commitment to a family business) and future career or academic plans.
If either of you has been sexually active at any time in the past you will want to discuss reproductive health and the possibility of testing for sexually transmitted diseases.
Find out, don't make assumptions.
The time to bring up such issues is now, before your marriage, not after, when they may have already become a source of conflict. If you
do not feel comfortable discussing these issues, you should delegate the questioning to someone you trust.
Do Not Rush
In choosing who to marry, you are making a major life decision. Take the time to choose well.
Think Long And Hard Before You Agree To A Plural Marriage
While it is ostensibly allowed in Islam - there are some scholars who say that these kinds of marriages
should only be contracted under certain circumstances and must meet certain standards - polygamous marriages should
not be entered into lightly.
Marriages in which there is more than one wife, often require a lot of effort, cooperation and good will on the part
of all of the partners to work well. Additionally, as this form of marriage is not recognized in most countries today, a woman entering it
and her subsequent children are at a legal disadvantage and cannot count on most civil marriage benefits and supports.
So, if you are considering becoming someone's second, third or fourth wife you should think about it deeply and have a clear
idea of the pros and cons of such a relationship and all of the parties' motivations and expectations before going ahead.
Do Not Consent to A Temporary Marriage (Muta)
Muta or temporary marriage in which a marriage is contracted for a set amount of time, is permitted in certain branches of Islamic jurisprudence, but in practice
such temporary marriages seldom turn out well for the women and children involved and should be avoided.
Trust In God
Even after you have thought deeply about choosing a husband, you cannot do the task alone. You will need God's help every step of the way. Seek it.
Istikharah or the prayer for guidance is a good way in which to do so.
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to teach his companions to seek God's guidance in all matters which affected them. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
Istikharah can be particularly helpful when you are making the actual decision whether to marry someone.
Click here for instructions on how to perform istikharah.
|
