Begin with the proper intentions

Marriage is a serious matter and requires the right attitude. Be certain that your aim is to please God and have a successful, happy marriage and not something else.

You should not enter marriage as a diversion, a way to gain a visa, wealth or social standing or to hide from other issues in your life.

Consider the Sunnah

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed."

Consider that your wife will be your life-long partner, the mother of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge and her wealth of good qualities. Her status in this life is illusory, so choose her for her status in the sight of God. Physical beauty is superficial and fades, but the beauty of faith (iman) is transcendent and enduring. It is religion that can strongly anchor your household.

In another hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." In other words, nothing in this world is as precious as a pious woman.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) appreciated his wives for their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of one of his other wives, Zainab:

"(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of God's Messenger (peace be upon him), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to God, the Exalted, than her."

We can only pray to do as well.

But what are the marks of a pious woman, then you wonder.

Such a woman is Muslim, devout, honest, patient and constant, humble and generous (gives charity).

She fasts and is self-sacrificing, guards her chastity and engages in frequent praise of God.

Look For Deeper Qualities and Values

Search for goodness in a potential spouse. Look for qualities such as honesty, intelligence, caring, reliability, pleasantness, good humor, compassion, generosity, forbearance, and patience. In other words, true character. The Qur'an can help you define what to look for. As our guide, it is filled with references to the qualities that God values and that we should value.

Know Who You Are and What You Are Seeking

Give some thought to who you are as a person. What values are important to you? What aspects of your life are most important to you (work, religion, family, etc.)? Do you have a strong personality or are you on the quiet side?

Think about the kind of marriage and family you would, insha'Allah, like to have. What role would you take as a husband? What role would you expect of your wife?

You may find a career woman compelling but if you know that the wife you dream of would stay home to take care of the house and children then she is not the match for you. Some matters, such as whether or not to have children can be deal-breakers. Other issues such as how you handle finances can be constant sources of friction for a couple, if not considered.

Be Realistic

It may be difficult to find everything you are looking for in one person, so prioritize and be flexible.

Find Out Who She Is

If you were buying a house you would discover as much as you could about the property before you bought it. Deciding to marry someone is an even more important decision than whether to make a real estate purchase, so shouldn't you make every effort to find out as much as possible about the woman you may marry?

Ask her questions - Formulate a list of important questions to ask her.

Interact with her family - You are marrying into a family as much as you are marrying an individual. It's important to know who they are and how they influence the woman who may become your wife. If possible, ask them about her home life and the way she was raised. Ask about their desires for her future.

Interact with her friends/co-workers - If possible, meet/speak with her friends and/or co-workers. The people someone spends time with often say a lot about that person.

Contact a community leader - If there is an imam, sheikh or other community leader who knows her you should speak with him about her and your interest in marrying.

Talk on the telephone - Move from e-mail correspondence, with someone who you think may be your match, to talking on the phone. You can get a fuller sense of someone from interacting this way - hearing their voice, noting the way in which they respond to you. But keep your intentions clear. Marriage is your goal, not flirtation or entertainment.

Visit with her - This is especially important if you do not live near one another. Seeing her "in action" and getting a sense of how you interact in real life is important. Spend as much time together as is possible and appropriate.

Even very simple observation can give you a sense of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time, etc.

This is not dating - but a way to find out more about a person you think you want to marry. Stick to public places and/or use a chaperone if you feel this is appropriate.

Be open with her so that she can be open with you.

Find Out About Her Understanding And Practice of Islam And Whether It Is Compatible With Your Own

Gain a clear understanding of her perspectives on Islam, how she currently lives Islam and how she intends to do so in future. Talk about how you would both intend to impart Islam to any future children.

If you are considering a woman who is a convert to Islam or who is a "born again Muslim" remember that her views and practice may be in flux. Such a situation may require extra patience and consideration on your part, as Islam will be new to her and she will likely struggle with aspects of Shariah, faith and culture and the negative reactions of others (often including her own family). It may take her some time to adopt and sustain certain Muslim practices.

Conflict is often caused in such marriage when the husband attempts to impose his views or practice of Islam all at once on his wife without giving her a chance to grow Islamically at her own pace and in a way that most suits her. If you do not feel that you will be capable of providing patient, gentle support you should think twice about marrying such a woman.

Understand Each Other's Expectations

In business it is a good idea to set the correct expectations, the same is true of marriage. Find out about her understanding of marriage and roles within it. Learn about her expectations of a husband.

Cover such issues as birth control, how many children you both would like and when you would like to start your family. Talk about who will do housework, how you both expect children to be raised, your responsibilities to your respective families (for example, towards elderly parents or your commitment to a family business) and future career or academic plans.

If either of you has been sexually active at any time in the past you will want to discuss reproductive health and the possibility of testing for sexually transmitted diseases. Find out, don't make assumptions.

The time to bring up such issues is now, before your marriage, not after when they may have already become a source of conflict. If you do not feel comfortable discussing these issues, you should delegate the questioning to someone you trust.

Do Not Rush

In choosing who to marry, you are making a major life decision. Take the time to choose well.

Trust In God

Even after you have thought deeply about choosing a wife, you cannot do the task alone. You will need God's help every step of the way. Seek it.

Istikharah or the prayer for guidance is a good way in which to do so.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to teach his companions to seek God's guidance in all matters which affected them. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)." Istikharah can be particularly helpful when you are making the actual decision whether to marry someone.

Click here for instructions on how to perform istikharah.